


The Light at the End of the Tunnel

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Depression, Fast Build, Like LOTS of angst, M/M, Physical Abuse, Probably smut in the future, Self Harm, i guess?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2014-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-05 07:18:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hope is gone. Every last bit of hope has drained from Eren long ago, and dying seems like the best option. The last time he'd felt good has been a long, long time ago. Then he decides to come along, putting a smile on the emerald eyed teen for the first time in years. The raven-haired kid from France, Levi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Levi

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yaniira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yaniira/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is my first ever fanfic on this site, and my first ever SnK fic. Please, don't be rude. ^.^

 I have no idea why I am still here, why I still exist. It’s not like anyone’s gonna mourn me or anything. My father hates me – after all, he beats the shit out of me every other day, everyone makes fun of me because of my not-so-wealthy status, including my so-called friends, and school is not of much help either. Why can’t I just jump off this fucking rooftop and end it all? End all of this useless suffering, end the pain. I’m going to do this world a good thing – one more useless creature vanquished of the surface of the Earth. The Sun’s still gonna rise, the birds are still gonna sing and the grass is still gonna be green, even if I die.

I laugh. I’m such a coward, I don’t even have the nerve to kill myself. I get down the rooftop the safe way and walk back to the shitty thing my father calls ‘home’, which I certainly never will. On the way, I accidentally bump into a guy, a pretty short guy.

“Sorry.” I mutter.

“ _Bêtê!_ ” he responds, clearly pissed.

“I’m sorry?”

“ _Tu es bêtê! Excuse moi._ ”

Was that… French? It sounded like it, though I have never learnt anything in French. The only thing I know in French is ‘Bonjour!’, from the many TV commercials for French cheese. I think it means ‘Hello!’, but I don’t really care.

Halfway home, I start crying, for no fucking reason. Well, actually, there are so many reasons I’d cry, I have no idea which of them is to blame right now. Why didn’t I just jump off the rooftop when I had the chance? Why didn’t I throw myself in front of that train when I had the chance? Why didn’t I shoot myself when I laid my hands on that gun?

My father would probably beat the shit out of me, again, if I went home with my eyes bloodshot. That one brain cell he has can’t process the fact that having red and puffy eyes doesn’t necessarily mean I’m high or drunk. Actually, I’ve only been drunk once in my life, in 9th grade, and the hangover I had the next morning killed me, so I swore to myself I’d never drink again.

I decide to take a walk through the park, to calm myself down. I strap off my backpack and search for some water. And then I see him – the French guy whom I bumped into a few minutes ago.

I don’t think about it, but seeing the same person twice, the same day, in such a big city, is not usually a coincidence.

I calm myself down and walk home, not giving the short man much thought.

 

The next day, I wake up with my razor blade still in my hand, the cuts on my wrist showing, despite the long sleeves of my shirt. The bed sheets are stained with dry blood – my blood. The blood that dripped from the cuts on my wrists. I try not to think about it and go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. As usual, I find out my toothbrush has been used by my fucking drunk father, once again, so I squeeze a small bit of toothpaste on my index finger and run it along my teeth. Better than nothing, I tell myself as I close the tap and go to my room, to change my clothes.

I search for a clean shirt, making sure its sleeves are long enough to hide the scars and cuts on my wrists, and put on a pretty dirty pair of jeans. I realize I forgot to do the laundry, and my dad and my sister never do it.

My backpack, sitting on the chair next to the desk, is probably the dirtiest thing in the room. I take out the books I needed yesterday and put in the ones I need today in less than a minute and put it on my back, leaving the room silently and going to the kitchen, to get something to eat.

The kitchen smells of alcohol, as always. The fridge is full of spoiled food my dad insists on keeping, for whatever reason. The only edible thing I find is a slice of bread and some butter. I eat in silence as I think about my miserable life. Since my mother's death, I've been a psychical mess. The sight of her body hanging from the ceiling fan is still terrifying in my memory, even after all these years. Almost seven years have passed, yet not even one day passes when I don't think about her. Her laugh, her smile, her beauty... And that was when it all started. My father's drinking problem, my sister's complete ignorance concerning everything, and my depressive mood.

I look at the clock: 7:45 a.m. Time to leave. Another extremely boring and useless day in at Shiganshina High. I put on my shoes and leave the house in silence, trying not to wake anyone up. Mikasa, my stepsister, doesn't give a fuck about going to school, and my father only works in the afternoon on Tuesdays. And today, it is Tuesday.

As soon as I leave the stinking house, the cold, fresh air hits me. I inhale sharply and start waling slowly, not having to worry about being late to class. Every step I take makes a tiny 'bump' sound on the cracked cement pavement. As a way to entertain myself, I try to step over the cracks and fail miserably as I almost fall on my back because of my reduced sense of balance.

The school yard is almost empty, thank God. At least there's no one around to criticise my stupidity and childishness as I skip my way to the entrance.

The hallway, however, is full of people talking, reading, revising and making out. I keep my head down and ignore all the insults thrown at me while I make my way to my locker, which has 'faggot' written on it with graffiti paint. I knew I shouldn't have opened up to anyone. Apparently, now the whole school knows I'm gay. And, apparently, they have a problem with it. I roll my eyes as I open the locker and find a plastic cup filled with something white. I throw it away, in the bin close to the row of lockers, ignoring the laughs coming from behind me and trying not to think about the content of the cup.

I take my English textbook out of my backpack and put the bag in the locker. I will probably tell a teacher about the graffiti on its door, but I guess I might as well wash it out myself, if I can.

I go to class and sit in the back, as always, by myself. Even though the desks are meant for two people, nobody wants to sit with me, and I'm fine with that. I don't want to sit with any of these jerks either, anyway.

The bell rings and everyone sits down, waiting for the teacher. When she comes to class, she isn't alone. She enters the class with a short guy with black hair, styled in an undercut, and with piercing grey eyes. I gasp and look at him wide eyed as I realise it's the boy I bumped into yesterday, the one that spoke French. He looks at me confusingly and I turn my gaze away.

“Hello, class. This is Levi, your new classmate as of today,” the teacher begins. “He came here from France, and he isn't exactly good at English.”

“Thank you, Mrs Ral. Though I think I can do pretty well in English,” Levi spoke. He had a heavy French accent and I could barely catch what he was saying.

Mrs Ral laughed and told him to find a seat. Shit. The only empty seats are next to me and next to a girl, Sasha, but I see him come this way. I move a bit more to the window, leaving a bit of space between my chair and the chair he was going to sit in.

“I'm Levi,” he said, sitting down.

“Eren,” I say, looking out the window.

“I guess you are not the talkative type, are you?”

“Not exactly. You can go sit somewhere else if you want to, I don't mind.”

“But I don't want to sit next to girl. I don't like it.”

“If you say so.”

I turn my head away as Mrs Ral starts teaching.

 

* * *

In break, everyone comes to Levi and asks him what he thinks of Shiganshina City. He simply responds that he's only been here for a day, and that he doesn't have an opinion on it yet. And then Jean Kirstein, the dumbest kid in class, had to say it:

“Yo, Levi, don't sit next to Eren!”

“And why wouldn't I?” he said, cinically.

“Dude, he's depressive! He's gonna make you feel depressive too! That's why no one ever sits next to him!”

“I don't care. If I wanna sit here, I will.”

“Okay then, don't say I didn't warn you!”

“Whatever.” He rolls his eyes at Jean.

I look at him, surprised. He is the very first person since 3rd grade not to mind sitting next to me. I turn my eyes away when I see him looking at me and I pull my shirt sleeves down, watching out for the cuts and scars on my arm.

 

* * *

Days pass. I think a week or so passes. There are more cuts on my wrists and more bruises on my body, because of my father. Today, I go to school with tears in my eyes. Only I don't trust myself. I think I'm going to jump in front of a car, reduce the pain once and for all, though I try my best not to.

I try to ignore the 'faggot' on my locker door and I hurry to class, worried I'm gonna be late. I am relieved to find out the teacher isn't in class yet. I wipe my cheeks and hurry to my seat with my head down, hoping no one can see me with my eyes red and puffy. Levi looks at me when I sit down.

“Eren, what happened? Why are you crying?”

“It's nothing,” I tell him.

“It's all right, you can tell me. I won't laugh.”

“I... it's nothing, Levi, thank you for your concern.”

And then he notices the cuts on my wrists when I raise my arms to wipe my eyes.

“E-Eren...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> "Tu es bêtê! Excuse moi." - You're stupid! Excuse me. (Thanks to Lila Venus for correcting me!)


	2. Fluttering Heartbeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically, Eren opens up towards Levi, and he has no idea why he is so open towards a guy he's just met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooo sorry I didn't update this earlier, but Christmas and stuff, and my laptop broke... So, yeah, Merry Levismas!

I look at him apologetically. "It's nothing."

"What do you mean it's nothing?! Those are self-inflicted, clearly!"

"Like you care." I roll my eyes and move them somewhere else, not looking at Levi, who was glaring at me one second ago.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I do!"

"Why?"

"Because I went through the same shit when my... when my parents died."

"Oh... S-sorry."

"Why are you apologizing? Did you kill them?"

"No, but..."

"Then don't apologize."

The look on his face is usually... well, nothing like this. Normally, he seems cold, like he doesn't want to get attached to anyone, ever. But now, he is looking at me like I am some lost puppy he just happened to find on the streets.

"Don't look at me like that. You don't have to pity me; I hate that."

"Don't do that to yourself and I won't look at you like that."

I turn my face away and try to ignore him, but I can't. He puts his hand under my chin and turns me around.

"Come to my place after class."

"Why? I barely even know you! You could be some serial killer or rapist!"

"I'm not. I just wanna talk to you, that's all."

"Why would you? I've just met you. This is crazy."

And then he glares at me again. Good to know old Levi is back.

"Because I may be able to help you, brat."

"How? Not even my therapist can help me."

"As I was saying, I've been through the same shit. Will you let me help you or not?"

My heart starts fluttering for absolutely no fucking reason. "Fine."

"Thank you."

* * *

After school, we go to his place. He doesn't live very far from school. And he has a pretty nice house too, not so big, not so small. Definitely better than the shitty apartment I live in, anyway. And neat. I already knew Levi is a clean-freak, because he always has a hand sanitizer with him and he constantly uses it. And his handwriting is also really neat and nice. And he never wears dirty clothes-unlike me. The air in the house is open and fresh, as if the windows have been open all day. The smell is that of freshly cut grass and sea, just like Levi.

"N-nice house..." I mutter.

"Thanks. Worked my ass off to be able to afford it."

"Oh, yes..."

And then I start crying for no fucking reason. And he hugs me, not giving a fuck about the dirty sweater I am wearing. I push him away, but he insists on holding me.

"Eren, why are you trying to push me away from you? I'm not going to eat you!"

I look down at him, a loud sob escaping my lips as I push him away once more, yet he still tries to pull me towards him. "I-I... Don't l-like to g-get attached."

"Well, that's one thing we have in common," he says, looking up at me, finally giving up on trying to hug me.

"Wh-what?" I sob loudly.

"What? Surprised? You should've realized that I didn't talk to anyone the past week."

"I'm sorry, I was too busy trying not to kill myself."

Why am I opening up towards him? Why him of all people? Why can't I just open up to Mikasa like this? She does laugh at me, yes, but how can I know Levi won't? What if he's making up this whole 'I've been through this' thing just to make fun of me? Yet, still, I trust him. And I have never, ever, in my whole life, been so open towards someone, besides Armin. And not even to Armin... And why is my heart beating so fast?

"Eren... Don't. Don't ever to that." he says, his eyes fixed on mine. I turn my face away, feeling intimidated.

"Wh-why wouldn't I?" I spit out, sobbing loudly afterwards.

"Because you are important - not to me, but certainly to someone else." I roll my eyes, waiting for him to laugh or to tell me about the hidden cameras. I kind of feel hurt by the last part - 'not to me.' If he wants to help me, doesn't that mean I'm important to him? 

"I'm not. To anyone." I finally say.

"Then why are you staying alive?"

I have no idea how to answer that. I play with my fingers as I stare down, not looking into Levi's grey eyes. He lifts my chin up and comes closer to me, but I still try to push him away.

"I should go. I..." I go for the door, but he grabs my forearm and I wince involuntarily.

"Sorry, I forgot. But please, stay."

I look at him, my eyes big and mouth open. He actually apologized. He is truly sorry.

"Fine." I roll my eyes.

I take off my shoes, seeing that he did the same. Plus, the super neat house tells me that dirty shoes are not welcome - and mine are dirty. We sit on the couch, not saying a word. I start to feel awkward. I've never been in someone else's home before, other than relatives', and Armin's, so it is a little strange not to know them properly. Levi... He is different. I don't know how, and why, but he actually cares, or at least looks like he does.

"Soo..." I begin. "Uh, what should we talk about? Because I'm gonna leave if-"

"You are not going to leave." He grabs my forearm carefully. "Now, tell me, why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Because... It helps me."

He pulls up my sleeve, revealing the scars and the wounds I've had for the a few years, or hours. One of the most recent cuts is, apparently, infected - not that I care. But he seems to be looking right at it. "Tch. We should take care of that."

He traces a long finger along the cut, carefully. I don't say anything. "You said it helps you. With what? Why do you feel so bad, you 'need' to do this to yourself?"

"I... Why do you care? Are you doing this to laugh at me? You totally are."

"I'm not, Eren, I'm trying to help you! But if you're gonna be a stubborn brat, then I won't be able to."

"Sorry..." I look elsewhere.

"So, what is it, Eren?"

"Well... I've been doing it since my mother's death. She-" I feel a tear on my cheek, but I don't bother to wipe it. "She hung herself... B-because of me..."

"Well, aren't you one selfish brat. Why do you think it's your fault?"

"I had a fight with her, like, an ugly fight... I don't even remember why." More and more tears. The sadness overwhelms me and I start emitting ugly sobs. "I... I remember her body, hanging from the ceiling fan... And the way I screamed and hugged her tight..."

He attempts to hug me, and this time I don't back up. I let him hug me and cry on his shoulders. "Cry. Go ahead. Just... I hope you don't carry a disease or something, brat."

"I d-I don't."

His shirt is already wet from all the tears I've cried. The whole scene comes back into my mind, as if it happened only yesterday. I squeeze my eyes shut and let the tears fall, strangled sobs coming out of my throat.

"Can you tell me what happened next, Eren?"

My heart literally skips a beat when he says my name, his French accent making it sound like a purr. I raise my head and stare into his eyes, mesmerised by the way the stone grey combines with the cold, icy blue. Even though he seems extremely bored most of the time, his eyes are just as full of life as the ocean. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? It's not like I have a crush on him or something, Gosh, no. Still, the way his raven color hair is parted exactly on the middle of his head, and the way it covers the undercut at the back of his head is simply... beautiful.  _Physical attraction_ , I tell myself.  _That's what it is._

"Eren? Can you?"

His repetition brings me back to reality.

"Uh... Well, I-I remember... running. I was just... running, with no purpose. And then I fell. My palm was right over a really sharp rock, so it hurt. Still, it felt good. It was like... It diminished the emotional pain, you know? Like, a lot... And I suddenly felt the... urge, yeah, that was it, I felt the urge to make it more physically painful. So I pushed my hand onto the rock, seeing my blood trickle down its surface and the pavement. And I... Well, I still have the scar..."

"Can I see it?"

"S-sure." I turned my hand upwards and he lifted it carefully.

"Oh, God, Eren, that was certainly a deep cut... How old were you?"

"I don't know, 9 or 10, I think. And then my father started drinking.... And..." And beating me up, I wanted to say. But I can't bring myself to do it, I might start crying like the little crybaby I am.

"And what? You can tell me, Eren."

"Well, my father is... abusive. Gosh, please don't tell him, or anyone, about that. Levi, please, if you ever-"

"He... he beats you up?"

His eyes were wide, and he looked surprised. 

"Y-yeah, but please, don't  _ever_ tell anyone, especially him, that I told you. Please."

"I... I won't. But... That is just plain wrong."

"Got used to it, it's no big deal."

But it is. It is a huge ass deal that I have so many fucking bruises on my back. I just can't bring myself to talk about it. Plus, the way he looks at me makes me feel intimidated. 

"May I see?"

I blink in confusion. "See... what?"

"Well, if he beats you up, that must leave some fucking marks. May I see those marks?"

"I... I guess, yeah..."

I lift up the back of my shirt, revealing ugly bruises, blue, green and purple.

"You know, I don't think it's normal for your back to have the color of your eyes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooooo sorry this turned up to be mostly dialogue! I hate having a cold.


	3. Just Physical Attraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but holidays and stuff. I hope you like this chapter!

I laugh a little bit at the remark, thinking he meant it as a joke, but he looks at me coldly, so I put on a serious face. Then, he gets up, and stands on his tiptoes to reach a box on a high shelf, making me try not to laugh again. I get up to help him get the box.

“I can handle this myself, Eren. I'm not that short.”

“You're not necessarily short. The shelf is pretty high, you know? Let me help you.”

He looks at me for a second then takes a step back. I take the box off the shelf and give it to him. I wonder what's in it, but I decide not to ask. He'll probably show me anyway. He makes his way back to the couch and I follow him without saying a word. He takes off the lid and reveals a lot of medicine, from ointments and syrups to painkillers and aspirins.

“What are those for?” I ask, realizing how stupid my question is just after I say it.

“For your back, you brat, what do you think?”

"Oh. W-why are you doing this?"

I'm not sure if he's giving me a death stare or not, but it surely looks like it. I just turn away and he takes off my shirt carefully. I feel really embarrassed because my body is mostly skin and bones, but I am sincerely grateful of him for not commenting on my appearance. To be honest, I was expecting it, considering how... well, how hot he is, because I can't put it any other way. I mean, as a gay guy, I think I can judge the hotness of another male. But that doesn't matter. He takes out one of the ointments and starts massaging my back with it. It is cold, and his hands are also cold, but it feels good, as if all the pain, physical at least, I have gathered over these long years, is leaving my body slowly. The feeling is so good, I breathe a sigh of relief and relax. I swear I can hear him smirk behind me, but I can't care less at this point. His fingers are seriously magic. Usually, I wouldn't let anyone touch my back, or any other part of my body for that matter, but I can just... trust him. I don't even know why, it just feels like the right thing to do. Then, again, I did trust Mikasa that she wouldn't tell anyone I'm gay, and look what happened. Levi stops massaging at one point, and I can't help but feel disappointed, but I don't say anything. I take my shirt and go to put it on.

"Don't, not yet."

"D-don't what? Don't put on my shirt?" I look at him with a puzzled look.

"Yeah. Wait for the ointment to do its magic."

"But... This is awkward..."

"I won't laugh at you, don't worry." He smiles, and this is the first time I see him smile for real. He looks really good when he smiles, and I only realize I was staring when he turns his eyes away.

"S-sorry, I didn't mean to... But you look nice when you smile..."

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I'm a fucking idiot. Why did I say it out loud?! Why couldn't I just keep it to myself? Congratulations, Eren Jeager, on being a fucking idiot once again! Yet he doesn't look bothered by my comment, and he keeps on smiling, probably at the redness of my face in this moment. I look down and start fiddling with my fingers, nervously.

"Eren, are you alright? You're as red as a tomato."

"Y-yeah, I'm fine."

"If you say so. Uh, are you hungry? I have some pizza left over."

"Yeah, a little... Thanks."

"No need to."

We go to the kitchen and he heats up in the microwave oven 4 slices of pizza. I must have looked surprised, because he looks at me confused.

"Uh, sorry. I've never had two entire slices of pizza for myself, ever."

We eat in silence. I feel full, for the first time since my mother's death.

"Thanks. For this, for taking care of me, even though you don't have to..."

"I don't, but I want to, okay?"

"B-but why?" "Because I give a shit, that's why. Because a fuckload of people die everyday because of depression and such. And if I can, why wouldn't I try, at least, to save one of those people, considering I used to be one myself?"

And that leaves me speechless. I try to form a clever response, but his tone made it clear that he won't accept 'no' for an answer, so I keep my mouth shut and finish my pizza. I realize I still don't have my shirt on and I get up to go get it, and I hear his steps behind me, following me back into the living room. I put on my shirt, and I turn around to see a disappointed Levi.

"Wh-why are you looking at me like that? Did I do something wrong?"

"You didn't clean up after you ate, brat. Come help me do the dishes."

"I-I'm sorry, Levi!"

"It's fine. Just, come."

I oblige and go back into the kitchen and help him do the dishes, almost breaking a glass when I hear him behind me all of a sudden.

"Hey, Eren, will y-"

"Aaah! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Sorry, I thought you heard me coming. Anyway, will you come with me, please?"

"I-I think I should leave, it's getting late... My dad's gonna beat me up if I don't get home by sunset..."

"Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

I look at him with a confused face, my eyebrows scrunched together and my head slightly tilted.

"Would you like to stay the night over? I'm really... well, lonely, here, all by myself..." he finally asks, realizing how confused I am. I try to form a simple 'yes', but the words are stuck in my throat because of how... shocked I am of his request. "Nevermind, it was a stupid question. Uh, you should get dressed then, the sun's gonna set soon."

"Y-yes. I will stay the night..." The words finally leave my mouth, leaving Levi surprised.

"Really? Thank you... But you're gonna have to take a shower. And I'm gonna give you something to sleep in, alright?"

"Yeah, thanks..."

* * *

The shower helps me calm down a little. Hot water always has that effect on me. Even though my arms sting a little bit, I got used to it. Then, I realize I didn't feel the need to cut myself all day, and I still don't. My back doesn't hurt as badly as usual, thanks to Levi's magic ointment, but it still hurts a little. It feels good, though, not to have the constant urge not to kill myself, now that I have someone that cares for me. I try not to dwell on it too much, because Levi's probably gonna leave me too, like every other person I ever cared about. Like mom, and like Armin. Though, Levi seems different, somehow... I mean, he claims to have been through the same shit, but I don't know whether I should believe him or not. I have really bad trust issues, but I can't help the fact that I've been betrayed by everyone I thought to be my friends.

I take the shampoo and wash my hair gingerly, maybe too gingerly, constantly thinking about Levi, and his perfect eyes, and his nice arms, and magical hands... _Physical attraction,_ I scream internally. _I can't have a crush on him, he's just hot and that's it._ And also really nice, and caring... _Shut the fuck up, Eren, you're gonna make yourself suffer._ For all I know, he's probably not even gay. Plus, why would he love me?

Woah. _Love?!_ Why am I thinking of that?!

I finish washing myself up and get out of the shower. I get dressed with the clothes Levi left for me on the towel rack and get out of the bathroom. I look in the mirror on the hallway, and realize how badly Levi's clothes fit me. The shirt barely covers my bellybutton and the pants only cover half of my lower leg. I shrug and make my way down the hall, opening the door Levi showed me as the bedroom, and see him wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. I try not to stare at his amazingly built body and the way it goes so well with his pretty face, and pull the door towards me to close it.

“It's alright, Eren, you can come in. Uh, do you mind if I sleep like this? I hate wearing clothes while sleeping, it's uncomfortable.”

“Uh, didn't you say you have a spare bedroom?”

“I lied.” He laughs an evil laugh that makes me smile. “You have a nice smile, you know?”

I blush. “Thanks. But, wouldn't it be awkward, sleeping with a stranger?”

“You're no stranger, Eren. Of course, I could sleep on the couch in the living room, if you want to...”

“I-it's fine, thanks...”

I sit down on the bed and when he lays down, I lay down too, realizing how tired I am. Soon after, I drift off to sleep, feeling the warmth of Levi next to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm, yeah, no excuses. I'm sorry for Eren's conflicted feelings, but it's gonna be over soon, I promise :D


	4. Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi tells Eren he knows he's gay and it just kind of goes on.

This has been the first real sleep of my life, at least since my mother's passing. No nightmares, no livid images of my mother's corpse, no physical pain induced by my father, or self-induced for that matter, no psychical pain, no thoughts of suicide or possible suicide scenarios, no nothing. I had a really nice dream of me, Levi and Armin living together, and being happy. Why Levi, I have no fucking idea. I mean, Armin, he'd been my only friend since my mother's death, up until he left me to study abroad. That had been the first time I almost killed myself, knowing no one was going to save me from my father. Then, it got worse, when my father found out about Armin leaving and the fact that I had been wandering the streets instead of coming home for weeks, telling him that I was at Armin's. Well, I won't say anything besides the fact that it earned me a nice beating. My whole body was so sore, I couldn't even go to school the next day – which earned me another beating. So, dreaming of being with Armin made sense. Levi... He's a nice guy, but I have the constant feeling he's gonna betray me or leave me in some horrible way. 

I get out of bed and try not to wake Levi up as I look at my phone: 

_Saturday, March 22 nd, 07:42. 5 missed calls, _from my extremely concerned dad and my extremely concerned sister. I don't bother to call back.

I turn around and see Levi stretching his nicely toned arms – _No, brain, I'm not going to_ tell _him that._

“'Morning. Sleep well?” he asks.

“Yeah, I guess. Oh, who am I kidding. I slept like a baby. You?”

He grins at my response a little bit, but it quickly fades. “Pretty nice, thanks. You cuddling with me made me feel safe.”

Then, he smirks, and I feel myself blush all the way to my ears and back. “I didn't... I didn't do it on purpose...”

“Oh, no? Too bad. You're a nice cuddler, you know...” 

I swear to God, he's doing this on purpose. I try not to punch him in the gut and turn to face the wall, blushing even more. My phone starts vibrating like crazy, so I take it off the nightstand and look at the Caller ID, but it's just a number I don't recognize.

“Aren't you gonna pick that up? Maybe it's your boyfriend, maybe he's worried out of his mind...”

“What?! I-” I look at the phone number again. “I don't have a boyfriend! And how do you know... how do you know I'm gay?!”

“It's not like there's a huge, pink 'faggot' graffiti on your locker. Plus, I asked around, just to make sure my gaydar was right.”

“Gaydar? Wait, you're gay?” I turn around and look at him wide-eyed.

“Bi, actually. Irrelevant, I guess. And do you want to know why I really give a shit about you, Eren?”

My face is still red, my phone still ringing, but I can't care less. My eyes and mouth are still wide open, but I try to close them as I ask him what he means, confused. I brace myself, because I think he's gonna laugh at me, or tell me he lost a bet and he had to spend a night with me, or tell me he's gonna tell everyone about my scars, or something like that. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he's gonna hurt me and leave me with a broken heart. I realize I _do_ have a crush on him, because I feel like crying just by thinking of the multiple ways he could hurt me, but I hope it's just a crush and I know it's gonna pass.

“Really?” he says, whispering into my ear. 

I shut my eyes for a brief second, waiting. When I hear nothing, I open my eyes and nod.

I am startled for a second after it happens, wondering when I'm gonna wake up from this really, really nice dream, but I don't. His lips on my cheek felt really soft, and when I say really soft, I mean like silk soft. I pinch my arm, still hoping it's all a dream and that I'm not blushing so hard. It was only a peck on the cheek, and I'm really glad it wasn't more than that, yet I regret it a little. My crush kissed me. _My crush fucking kissed me._ Still in shock, I manage to mutter “What was that for?”

“Well, this is why I care about you. Because I like you. Now, are you gonna pick that up or no?”

“Y-yeah...”

I press the 'answer' key, my fingers shaking.

“Hello?”

“Eren? God, I'm so glad you picked up. And sorry if I called too early.”

My eyes and mouth widen again as I recognize the speaker, a voice I didn't hear in two years and a half, or something like that. Keeping track of time is not one of my hobbies.

“A-Armin... I... How did you get this number...?”

“Some guy who said he's in your class gave me the number, I guess it was worth trying to call you. Why did you change your number after I left?”

“My dad said calling you would be expensive, so he gave me a PrePay and made sure I got rid of your number... He's still a dick. Who gave you the number, though, more specifically?”

“I think his name was Rivaille, or something like that...”

“Levi...?” I ask the blonde, glaring at Levi, who was clearly trying not to laugh.

“I think so, yeah...” 

“How the fuck- Nevermind. Anyway, how's it going?”

“It's boring without you here... How's it going with your, eh, problem?”

I get out of bet, stretching and leaving the room.

“I think it's getting worse... The nightmares, the cutting, the suicide attempts...”

“Woah, woah. Suicide attempts?! When did that happen!?”

And we just talk about me for a few minutes, and he even makes me smile a few times. Hearing him again truly makes me happy. Why has Levi even done this, I have no fucking idea and I can't seem to find an answer. I really have no idea how he even found him, or how he got my number, but I don't give a fuck. I feel kinda happy for the first time in months, and if that doesn't mean anything, hell if I know what does.

When I go back into the room, Levi is looking in the closet, probably searching for something to wear. I don't know why he's so picky about something as insignificant as clothing, but I don't blame him. I realize I'm staring at him, so I turn around to leave the room, and that's when he notices me. I mutter some rather unpleasant things, not loud enough for him to hear, and I look at him.

“Eren?”

“Hm?” I probably sounded uninterested, and tired, even though I'm neither uninterested, nor tired. Well, maybe a little tired.

“Jean, that's the kid you keep calling a horse, right? Is he your boyfriend?”

“What?! No! I hate him, he hates me! That's all it is! Plus, I don't think he's gay, he's head over heels over my-”

“He is. Haven't you noticed the way he looks at that guy, Mark?”

“Marco,” I correct him. “And no... I-I haven't. How?”

He smirks. _Damn, Levi, you look good._ Shut the fuck up, brain.

“Well, it's the way you looked at me, yesterday... If you know what I mean.”

And I do. I do, and I blush. He knows. He fucking _knows_ I have a crush on him, and there's nothing I can do about it. So, when he kissed me... He was messing with me, right? And he still is! _Well, congratulations on not being subtle, Eren Jaeger. You're one big-ass idiot._

“U-uh, I... Thanks for letting me stay overnight, but... I-I think I should go... I have, um, something to do.”

“You're a terrible liar. Don't you want to stay for just a _little_ more~?”

Why is he so seductive? His voice sounds like a purr, inviting me to cuddle with him and kiss him, but I know that is purely wrong. I mean... It's not in my nature to just... _Trust_ someone. 

“Wh-when you said you liked me...” I started, already regretting the decision to ask this. “You meant it as a friend, right?”

Not putting down his smirk, he replies, “I thought you wouldn't be so stupid. I meant as in... as in 'I really like you.' More than a friend...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is really short! And am I building things up too fast? Please tell me if I am! Advice is welcome, really, I need some.


	5. Don't Be Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst. Pure angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to update! I hope you like this chapter, and I want to thank my friend (who is Yaniira here) for beta-reading this!

My mind usually has a problem with agreeing on a certain thing, as if there were thousands of people arguing in a conference instead of it being only me. But now, it is like each and every one of those people has a completely different opinion on what is happening right now. _Should I tell him I like him too? Should I keep my mouth shut? Should I leave? Should I stay? Should I die? Should I stay alive? Should I cry? Should I kiss him? Should I say anything? Should I...? Should I...? Should I...?_

Confused. That's how I feel, confused as fuck. While there's a battle going on in my head, I look at him. No, I stare at him. At those steel eyes, which feel like they are looking directly into my soul, extracting every single information about me there is about me, from the most insignificant thing, like my birthday, which I realize is next week, to my deepest secrets. Of course, Levi already knows about my cutting and abusive father. I still have no idea why I told him about that.

“Eren...? Are you alright, brat? You look scared and grateful at the same time, how is that even possible?” he voices, accentuating the 'r's.

Is he... worried? About me? He seriously sounds worried, which makes me feel bad for him, for some reason. 

“Y-yeah, I'm fine...” I say, looking down and playing with my fingers, noticing how bad of a job Levi's blouse does in hiding the scars on my arms. I try to pull them down a little bit, with no luck, and Levi notices it, touching my hand.

“You don't have to hide them from me, I've already seen them. I know I should tell you 'they're beautiful, don't hide them' but that whole thing is just bullshit, it encourages you to cut even more. No, they're not beautiful, they're fucking ugly and you should stop doing this to yourself.”

“I-I... I'm sorry...” is the only thing I can manage to say.

“Don't apologize to me, apologize to yourself, brat, for doing this to your own fucking self. I think we should clean the wounds a little bit, one of them is infected.” He gets out of bed. “Coming?”

 _Mind, please stop thinking about dirty things in situations like this, it's not cool._ “Wh-where?”

Levi rolls his eyes. “I won't get my bed sheets dirty just because of some dirty brat. The washroom, of course.”

“U-uh, yeah, I'm coming...” I get out of bed and my bare feet hit the soft carpet covering the floor in Levi's bedroom. I move my head from side to side until I hear my neck snap and follow Levi to his bathroom.

He takes my arm and places it under the tap, the cold water waking my senses up. I instinctively pull my arm away and he frowns.

“Will you please let me help you, Eren? I'm doing this for you.”

“Sorry...” I put my arm back under the tap as he cleans out the cuts and patches me up.

“You know... You don't have to do this...” I mumble, only loud enough for him to hear.

“I know. But I told you, I want to. Of course, you can go back to your shitty father and get beaten up everyday and probably end up killing your own fucking self, I don't care. Well, actually, I _do_ care. I care because I think everyone deserves a chance to live a normal fucking life, without mental disorders and shit. But, if you prefer that life, who am I to stop you? If you don't cooperate, then I can't save you.”

“Why...?” I look him in the eyes for a short second, then stare back down and play with my fingers.

“I just told you, pay attention. Plus, I told you a little ago the other reason, and I am so not repeating it. Hope you remember what I said, brat.”

“Sorry... I... I should probably leave... Where are my clothes?”

“I put them in the washing machine last evening while you were showering. I think I put them in the dryer afterwards. Oh, and...” He pulls out a razor blade out of one of his pockets, which I recognize as mine. “I don't think you're gonna need this anymore.”

“Levi, give that back! Please!” I stretch out my arm with my palm upwards. “I... I need it!”

“Not gonna happen. You don't _need_ it. ” He makes air quotes with his index and middle fingers of both hands when he says the word 'need'.

“Please... I beg you... Give it back...” I look him in the eyes, trying not to cry. It takes a lot not to burst into tears, but I try my best. Soon, my eyes start stinging and Levi still looks at me with cold eyes, assuring me that I won't get my blade back. 

I finally give up and bite my thumb really hard, giving myself a valid reason to cry, blood starting to trickle down my bottom lip. He tries to pull my arm back and eventually succeeds, holding both of them in place with one hand and cleaning the blood off my lips and thumb with a tissue, looking startled and _worried_.

“Do I have to tie you up, so you don't do anything to yourself? I don't want to, but I will, if I have to!” he says, looking at me with a burning rage.

“I... Doesn't matter, I'm leaving... Thanks for everything... Levi.”

“Like Hell you're leaving! Do you really think I'm just gonna let you leave, knowing you're only going home to that ass of a father you have? Who only beats you up and doesn't give a fuck about this?!” He shakes my arm lightly. “Or about the fact that you tried to kill yourself three times?!” He started yelling halfway through the sentence, his voice creaking, and I realize he was close to crying for some reason.

“I...” Tears trickling down my cheeks and strangled sobs escaping my throat keep me from forming coherent thoughts and sentences, as if everything I want to say or do is stuck at the back of my mind, trying to break out of the jail that is my brain.

“You what?”

“I...” I can't bring myself to believe what I say next, but I know I do say it. “I hate you!”

“Then leave! Just fucking leave! I try to help you, and this is how you thank me?” Now he is really crying, and I can't help but feel kind of proud that I broke through the 'I'm cold and I don't give a fuck about anything' barrier he always has on. But, does that mean he actually cares? Is that the reason he's crying for?

“Wh-why are you crying...?” I ask.

“Because... Because...”

“You don't even have a reason.”

“I do! Because...”

“Then say it! Why can't you just say it? It's because it's all just an act, right?”

“What? No, of course not!”

“When why the fuck are you crying?”

“Because I think I love you, Eren! Happy?!”

I look at him wide-eyed, incapable of saying or doing anything. Did he just say he _loves_ me? Or was it only my imagination? It all seems too good to be true, but I am pretty sure he did say it. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out.

“But why would you care? You're too busy slicing your wrists and arms and trying to kill yourself. Plus, you just said you hated me.” He shrugs. 

After that, I do something I have never thought I would do first. I bend over a little and place a kiss on his lips, which I intended to be short, but then he kisses me back, standing on his tiptoes. 

I pull back after a few seconds, licking my lips involuntarily. “Sorry...”

“Don't be.” He gives me a little smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably fluff in the next chapter to make up for all the angst in this one?


End file.
